Much like The Scottish Play there is a superstition that should The Thing That Flushes be mentioned by name all manner of horrible events will occur. Such is the regularity of damage in spite of this adherence, I am beginning to think that a sacrificial goat will be required to ensure that services continue – although I don’t do animal cruelty, so perhaps a carrot would suffice. (You know, like vegan voodoo: you don’t attack a chicken, you simply mutilate a Linda McCatney SausageTM and pray for guidance). Failing that, perhaps an oft-repeated passage from The Book of Lou will do the trick:
“We do not have a main drain or sufficient water pressure on site so we have a MACERATOR. This is a cunning box of tricks containing blades and a power source which churns the contents of the bowl to allow ease of passage to the sewer. Unfortunately this is a relatively delicate instrument which will not aid the journey of anything other than NATURALLY PRODUCED BODILY WASTE AND THE TOILET PAPER PROVIDED.
There are expensive receptacles for everything else – please use them. If you drop anything else into the bowl (oooh, say mobile phone parts, hairclips, coins, sanitary products and their applicators or nappies. For example.) please DO NOT FLUSH, but call the almighty Lou who will swathe herself in binbags and remove the offending articles.
The MACERATOR costs a minimum of £700 plus VAT to repair, and although Lou appreciates that for that kind of cash it should be gold-plated with a plasma screen TV and Brad Pitt handing out the quilted sheets IT ISN’T AND HE DOESN’T.
It is immediately apparent when anything other than NATURALLY PRODUCED BODILY WASTE AND THE TOILET PAPER PROVIDED (oooh, say mobile phone parts, hairclips, coins, sanitary products and their applicators or nappies. For example.) has been flushed.
You will be charged for the damage. Do you still need to go??”
I swear, Biblo will be the only business in the history of enterprise to be bankrupted by a bloody toilet. Oops…
Posted by biblocafe 