FAQs

ARE YOU OPEN?

Yes – you can tell because the lights are on, the shutters are up and there is no impediment to entry.

ARE YOU CLOSED?

Yes – you can tell because the lights are off, the shutters are down and you’ve had to bang on the door for 5 minutes to gain entry (not to be confused with the times when I am ‘avin a faaag – the lights will be on, the door will be open, but you’ll have to bang on the window to get my attention…)

IS THIS A BOOK SHOP?

No, it’s a circus. You can tell by the elephant reading Jilly Cooper in the mezzanine and the penguin splashing in the sink.

IS THIS A COFFEE SHOP?

See above.

DO I HAVE TO READ A BOOK?

Yes – there will be a test. Those gaining less than 90% will have to wash the elephant.

DO YOU SERVE HOT FOOD?

I’m afraid not. For a variety of ‘elf n safety reasons toasting a panini requires a license. We have cold sandwiches, cakes and biscuits. Should this not tempt you (and I accept that sometimes all you need is soup) I can suggest several places within a 3 minute walk more suitable to your needs.

CAN YOU HEAT THIS SANDWICH?

No, as I have already explained, we do not have that facility.

OK, COULD YOU WARM IT UP?

Only by sitting on it – and if you ask again I’ll assume that you are an idiot (although I have to admit, the signs are strong…)

FINE. I’LL HAVE A BACON ROLL, THEN.

Get out.