I’m thinking of starting a gym.
I’ve been to a couple of open days on a couple of occasions and do you know what I noticed? No gin.
Now, most ‘Health and Fitness Facilitators’ have a bar, but not one that you’d actually want to frequent; they have pious fruit smoothies and serve that horrifically aroma’d unguent that sticks to the glass and looks as if it may be contemplating world domination (I think it’s green); they have organic carrot cake (displayed on a tuille of calorie-free celery) and most even list some form of chocolate gateaux as a menu staple but they will not serve you a Plymouth’s and tonic as it is – gasp – a gym, madam.
Because sugar-filled baked goods topped with lashings of icing are healthy?
One overly-toned doll actually tried to justify the expanse of gooey items as “a treat for working out!” Bollocks. If you want to indulge me, make it a double and let me smoke indoors.
So, given that 60% of gym members let their attendance lapse within the 1st six months but continue to pay their fees for up to two years, I’m opening my own place. It will, of course, be called Lou’s. It will have a well-stocked bar and comfortable seating and any fitness-like equipment will be housed completely separately. Possibly in England.
You won’t have to waste money on specialist clothing. You won’t have to deal with smug enthusiasts wandering naked ’round the changing rooms. You won’t feel guilt at choosing ti-vo over tae-bo and, above all, you won’t do yourself (or the bathroom fittings) an injury trying to lower yourself onto the toilet the day after you complete 40 reps of lunges, weighted down by an anorexic.
Actually, you’ll love Lou’s Gym: all new members will receive – free of charge – a nifty bottle opener and a weekly phonecall to tell you that you look fabulous, darling, just as you are.
Don’t change a thing!
Isn’t what you’re suggesting technically not a gym but a bar?
I’m with Jeremy Hardy on this one. ‘The British have a curious notion of leisure. A leisure centre is somewhere where people do hard physical exercise for two or more hours. A leisure centre ought to be somewhere where you can sit around in your pants watching cartoons.’
No, Raj, *technically* it would be a gym with user-friendly bar facilities. Plus, you haven’t mentioned the esteem-building phone calls, which I feel push the endeavor firmly into the get fit/be healthy/feel better about yourself catagory…
Sign me up. For once, I can leave the hip flask at home… Dude, you rock.
Where do I sign? And do you do additional esteem building phonecalls if your clients have a sudden crisis? Which in any other gym would result in a crash course of exercise!
Or of course you could provide extra gym… which would also help ease the situation!
Ooops! That was supposed to read ‘extra gin’ not ‘extra gym’.
[...] decisions, a myriad of lubricated lock-ins when we were supposed to be alphabetising the books, a fantastic idea that I am still convinced will be a money-spinner, the running battle over the toilet ceiling, not [...]