!

DAVE IS VERY INTELLIGENT AND HIGHLY AMUSING WITH ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC FACIAL HAIR.

As promised.

 

UPDATE: you will (possibly) have noticed that a ‘randomly generated related post’ is titled Foo Fighters. D’ya think it’s the mention of luxuriant facial hair? Or just the name Dave..?

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: Dave. Definitely Dave.

UPDATE ON THE UPDATED UPDATE: No, definitely hair…

Tuesday

Dear Dave

Thankyou very much for your feedback on this blog. Whilst I appreciate that you were only searching for the shop number (yell.com? Biblocafe.co.uk? Our good friend Maureen? She’s cheap, you know) I feel that you’ve missed the point of these entries: me. 

Although I could have mentioned your interpretation of that movie with Keifer Sutherland and it’s random addition of a nun (you were absolutely right – made no sense. Particularly since any reflective surface would bring on the evil so there should have been a convent full of demonic Brides of Christ, charging around in excrement-smeared habits, scaring the bejesus out of the local bit-parters whose sole activity was to be…well…bowel releasingly scared. Which begs the question: if you knew that the local manse was infested with violent, murderous, possessed individuals of any gender or religious affiliation, why in the hell would you deliver pizza there more than once? Assuming, of course, that you got out alive. But if you didn’t, surely your nearest and dearest would be concerned? Send a search party? Alert the media? At the very least, blacklist said address so that the next time they wanted 5 large Meat Feasts with extra cheese they’d have to call Dominos) it would have taken the focus somewhat off the main point: me.

But I get the gist – this stream of egocentric ranting must get a bit tiring for you. So to try, in my own small way, to compensate for your time (which-could-have-been-spent-surfing-porn-rather-than-reading-this) I will mention your superior acumen, sparkling wit and sartorial excellence in my next post.

Regards

Lou

 

FYI: It has been pointed out that this post seems to respond to a comment by Dave. This is not the case. Don’t hurt yourselves searching for his pithy response to some previous rant – we were having an actual conversation. With each other. Face to face.

Which is not something I would usually do on my time off, but he is possessed of superior wit, sparkling acumen and interesting sartorial choices.

Sunday

I’m not a total convert but – in a totally techno-twerp fashion – I love love love the dainty goodness of my mac.

It’s small. It’s cute. I don’t suffer from bursitis from lugging it to and from the shop (note: whilst the PC is still the best in terms of my ability to understand and utilise the software THE WHOLE POINT OF ‘PORTABLE’ IS THAT YOU CAN LIFT THE FRIGGIN’ THING WITHOUT A BLOCK AND TACKLE! There is, after all, a reason we’ve nicknamed it ‘The Beast’) and and and…

…it’s too damn easy to use as the battery holds it’s charge, the screen is small and unobtrusive (while appearing to be the optimum size for viewing ease) and did I mention that it’s cute?

So, again, ill-advised linkage and voila!

The wedding entrance of the century by Jill and Kevin Heinz…

saturday

I finished at 2-ish today and, after a restorative cup of tea with Luke, had something to eat, picked a crap movie for company, dug out a book I hadn’t read and retired to bed, fully intending to have a very early night.

I thought I’d just check my emails before I lay down.

Vaguely looked at a website or two.

Ill-advisedly followed a link and 5 hours later I’m still reading…

Damn you gofugyourself.celebuzz.com! Damn you and your sharp, wickedly observed and waspishly funny commentary on the rich and shameless! 

Must go – I’m halfway through a diatribe about Lady GaGa wearing Animal from the Muppets as a crotch cover…

Thursday

Procrastination is a marvellous thing. Rather than change the front page of the website and add the local links I have:

• totally stripped down the bar and rearranged all the crockery. Twice. Time wasted? 1 hours 32 mins.
• surfed the Nisbets website for cookware which I don’t need because the shop has no kitchen. Time wasted? 46 mins.
• cleaned out my email inbox and re-organised the folders. Time wasted? 32 mins.
• contemplated why people from school with whom you were less than cordial find it necessary to send repeated emails enquiring as to your health. Why do they give a crap? Why on earth would they expect you to welcome contact when you are decades away from their juvenile viciousness? Time wasted? 15 mins.
• contemplated how some people find it so easy to re-write history. Not that it isn’t perfectly acceptable to do so for comedic effect, but to humorlessly paint yourself a martyr? Baffling. Time wasted? 12 mins.
• removed head from sphincter and had coffee with a smoke.  Time wasted? 6 mins.
• surfed the sale sections of Debenhams and House of Fraser for clothes which I don’t like and can’t afford. Time wasted? 1 hour 4 mins.
• had another cigarette. Time wasted? 4 mins.
• blogged. Time wasted? Debatable.

Total Time wasted: 4 hours 49 minutes (possibly)

Remaining Procrastination Period: 7 hours

Ah, self employment…

Friday

Apparently – many years ago – I fell out with someone called A******. 

He – supposedly – still bears a grudge.

A******, darling, if it weren’t for the fact that ‘many years ago’ I was so desperate for the shop to work that I was nice to anyone who came in, and that I can count on the fingers of one hand those who I have actually fallen out with, I could almost believe that you and I have had ‘words’.

Unfortunately, yours appeared to be less then memorable as I have absolutely no idea who you are.

I can only assume that – given my continued presence on your shit list – you are a patronizing individual with an overinflated sense of your own importance as I generally don’t respond well to condescension and, as I said, I have no idea who you are.

But I’m crushed. Truly. I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever recover.

wednesday

The new website was set up in order that I could update/edit to my heart’s content without having to email-proof read-thunkheadoffdesk-email-proof read-be satisfied until the next menu change (repeat ad infinitum)

So J set it up.

J came over and talked me through the process.

J went on holiday and is unreachable except by email (refer to first paragraph).

I am so not a quick study with such things. So far I have enlisted the help of James, Neil, Jim and a host of other patient customers to help me understand the really convoluted system that I have to know to make the damn thing worth the effort.

Whilst I’m still struggling with the text and photos I put a disclaimer on the Home page so that no-one would be too disappointed at the lack of shiny-ness.

I emailed J with my troubles.

His response?

“…nobody has used the phrase under construction in relation to web sites since the great internet migration of 1812.”

Cheers.